Tease & Denial

Sometimes obstacles can help build arousal. In fact, there is an equation by Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind: Obstacle + attraction = arousal. We can really want what we most cannot have and that can be a big turn on. Did you ever crush on someone like a boss or a partner’s best friend? Do you know that butterfly feeling in the beginning of a romantic relationship when you can't quite tell yet if they like you or you like them; there's you're obstacle, and if you're attracted to them, there is likely arousal. When we are not really attracted to someone or something, obstacles can feel like a hindrance. And total denial can be a turn-off, unless you really like to work hard for your fun.

So when we are playing with ourselves, we can find the nice balance of obstacle and attraction. Some might call it a tease...

There will be other opportunities to play with Tease & Denial but this is an open invitation to see what you come up with.

Here's the invitation:

Pick something you really want and would be edgy for you not to have? It might be something habitual like a go-to fantasy, a toy, or a position you love. For instance, some of us can be accustomed to orgasm as a guaranteed part of our pleasure sessions - but what would it be like to deny yourself of this? Or maybe you always use a vibrator? Whatever it is, you’re going to play up the part about not getting it, or when or how you want it.

You can do this in many ways...if it's a physical item like a toy or even a position you like, give yourself an interesting (to you) task you must perform before having the toy or getting into position. Or give yourself a constraint or restraint? Consider your task: How can it be nurturing while also slightly challenging? Challenging for you might be just a bit out of your ordinary habit. Do you prefer mental or physical challenges?

Play with allowing the thing for a little bit and then denying yourself. Then giving it back to yourself, then denying. You might try counting - for instance, give yourself 10 counts before denying yourself. Notice how this builds up erotic tension. Some call this edging.

Examples

You want your vibrator but you're only allowed to use it for 20 seconds before you must clasp your hands behind your back. Count 30 seconds and then use the vibrator for 20 more seconds then clasp your hands behind your back. Restrain yourself for a whole 60 seconds if you can - seeing how long can you hold back.

Flip a coin to determine if you're pleasure practice includes orgasm.

Wear or make some kind chastity device. What is it like to self-pleasure without access to your genitals?

Switch the use your dominant and non-dominant hand.

Create a set of tasks you must complete before you can self-pleasure. Maybe its sexual or erotic or maybe its mundane like doing the dishes or finishing a project.

Reflection

Are you more aroused by physical or psychological teasing/denying? Or maybe there is a combination of both? What feelings arise for you when being denied or teased?